Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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