in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
