I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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