i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
