I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
