I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
worst night to have a conscience
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
