Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
