not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
