why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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