I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
