sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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