I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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