I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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