buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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