mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
