I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
