So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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