Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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