Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
