I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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