I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
