why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
