Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
