I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
