Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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