OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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