My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
