im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
