and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
