Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
