I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
