he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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