the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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