The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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