I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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