Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize