Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
