my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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