i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
