I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
