Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize