tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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