Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
