She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize