I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
