i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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