Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
