Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
