just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Two words: nipple clamps
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