PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize