matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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