Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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