if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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