Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
