spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
