Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
