I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
NoShamevember. You game?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize