dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
