she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
