Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
