he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
