i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They took my balls.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
