i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize