Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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