I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
