my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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