I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
