this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
