There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize