Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
