I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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