then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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