my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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